"Excuse me, can you help me find my dog? He's a Norweigen elk hound. His name is Heinrich. I use him to hunt moose." -Mulder

"This is my boyfriend Damien. I use the term 'boyfriend' loosely, as Damien is clearly a homosexual." -Margaret Cho on Sex in the City

Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?

Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
overheardintheoffice.com

"If facts were the only thing that counted, the telephone directory would be the book of books." -Werner Herzog in this very short interview with The Onion AV Club

"The number of themes, of words, of texts, is limited. Therefore nothing is ever lost. If a book is lost, then someone will write it again, eventually. That should be enough immortality for anyone." -Jorge Luis Borges, quoted in Alberto Manguel's With Borges

Luke: Here.
Rory: What’s that?
Luke: You look like you need pie.
Rory: I do?
Luke: Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie.
Rory: What if I’d thrown a pen?
Luke: I would’ve brought you a trout.
Rory: What?
Luke: I don’t make the rules, I just carry them out.
-Gilmore Girls

"there is a war on
and all of the morons
are winning, they are winning
year to year..."
-The Awkward Stage

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
I mean it...
-Natalie Merchant, My Skin

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
-Bright Eyes, Lua

Homer: "I'm feelin' low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it, you know, Skittlebrau?"
Apu: "Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it."
Homer: "Oh. Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles."

"I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you're important and nice, but you take second place all the same." -Iris Murdoch

"I don't care if you think I'm racist. I only care if you think I'm thin." -Sarah Silverman

"I'm seeking girls
In sales and marketing
Let's go make out
Up in the balcony..." -Mike Doughty

"Can we reach no further in this subject than experience and probability?" -David Hume

many boys've taken you for a ride,
hurt you deep inside
but you never slow down
-mary lou lord, speeding motorcycle

Man has to live how he can: overlooked and dwarfed he makes himself his own theatre. Is the drama inside heroic or pathological? Outward acts often have an inside magnitude. The short story, with its shorter span than the novel's, with its freedom from forced complexity, its possible lucidness, is able, like the poetic drama, to measure man by his aspirations and dreams and place him alone on that stage which, inwardly, every man is conscious of occupying alone.
-Elizabeth Bowen, Collected Stories

The worst of it wasn't the fact of being locked up, because life went on inside, and was sometimes more interesting than outside. The most highly qualified "prisoners of war"-- and the teaching staffs of all the southern universities were there-- set up various faculties, so a lot of us learnt languages, maths, quantum physics, world history, art history or the history of philosophy. Over two weeks, a professor called Iriarte gave a magnificent seminar on Keynes and the political reasoning of contemporary economists, which was attended by several army officers in addition to the hundred or so prisoners. The journalist and writer Andres Muller discoursed on the tactical errors of the Paris Communards, to the astonishment of the troops guarding the shoemaking workshop, which we had christened the Great Hall of the Temuco Anethaeum. Another famous POW, Genaro Avendano-- he was 'disappeared' in 1979-- moved both prisoners and soldiers with a dramatisation of the writer Unamuno's 1936 Salamanca speech denouncing Franco's Falangists. -Luis Sepulveda, Full Circle

Oz: "You'll date any girl who can walk and talk."
Devon: "She doesn't have to talk."

"She can't just be mean to me for no reason!"
"Sure she can. That's what we do in this family, since we can't kick the dog like normal people." -me, and my dad

Jocelyn: "I miss going to school."
James: "You HATED school. You complained about it all last semester."
Jocelyn: "Yeah, I know. I'm probably one of those people who will never be happy."

*phone rings*
Jocelyn: "Hello?"
Phone: *beeping sound*
Jocelyn: "Beep. Beeeep? Beeeeep."
Phone: *click*
Jocelyn: "I tried speaking to it in its own language but it didn't answer me."

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I thought we were here to talk about petroleum." -Tommy, I ♥ Huckabees

"I need to use my most important investigative tool... my library card." -Goren, Law & Order: Criminal Intent

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.