"So, after we left you on Friday night, back at the campground I realized I had forgotten to bring along my contact lens case, No problem, because teaspoons will substitute nicely, in an Emergency. Unfortunately, Dad had cereal for breakfast, and ate my left lens. He’s such a fun, alert guy to hang out with!"
-Postcards From Yo Mama

"You shall love your crooked neighbor/
With your crooked heart." -w. h. auden

9AM You Know the Economy's Bad When History Professors Work at Rite Aid

Woman in line: I want to go somewhere foreign this summer. How about Guam?
Cashier: Actually, Guam is part of the United States.
Woman in line: Ugh, these things change so often. We must have gotten it, like, a year ago, right?
Cashier: Actually, we've owned Guam since the 1800s. It sends a non-voting member to Congress, but they have no elector, so they don't matter for presidential elections.
Woman in line: Oh, thank god.

Rite Aid
Doylestown, Pennsylvania

via Overheard in the Office, Jul 20, 2009

"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness." -Robertson Davies

"Justice has a name, and that name--besides 'Justice'--is 'Captain Hammer'." -Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Co-Worker 1: You guys don't have any Kleenex.
Co-worker 2 (whose desk is right next to mine): And we don't have phones. And our desks are in the hallway.
Jocelyn: We are the third world of the 6th floor.
Co-Worker 1: I am going to bring you some Kleenex.
Jocelyn: You're the UN!

"Wembley, first of all, you're not a little wimp. Secondly, what does a little wimp like you want with romance?" -Gobo Fraggle

"And you can buy it at Best Buy... or whatever the Canadian equivalent of Best Buy is. [Hesitates] Which is probably Best Buy. You can probably buy it here, at this mall... because you can buy everything at this mall."
-Bright Eyes, at the Edmonton Event Centre show (West Edmonton Mall)

"OK, but if you leave me here, I'll do something evil... like burning something... or... gluing things together." -Andrew

Jordan: See, I have this philosophy.
Angela: You have a philosophy?
Jordan: Well, if I go somewhere and someone I know is there, then cool, there's something -- natural about it. But once you start making plans, then you have like, like obligations -- and that basically blows. So my feeling is, whatever happens, happens.
Angela: I have to say, I really respect that.
-My So-Called Life

Co-worker #1: I need coffee.
Jocelyn: I need meaning for my life.
Co-worker #2: Dodgeball?
Jocelyn: I'll take it under consideration.

Co-worker #1: I need coffee.
Jocelyn: I need meaning for my life.
Co-worker #2: Dodgeball?
Jocelyn: I'll take it under consideration.

Jordan: "You know those guys? Up in the mountains?"
Angela: "What guys?"
Jordan: "Who make snow. Like, as their job."
Angela: "Oh yeah."
Jordan: "I would really like to do that."
Angela: "You mean part time, or...?"
[They make out]
-My So-Called Life

"I've been speaking with aliens
They've agreed to abduct everyone but you
So we can start again..."
-Andy Dunlop

They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers
But what's the real cost, 'cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper
Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when you got little kid slaves making them
What are your overheads?
-Flight of the Conchords

Yet entertainment... remains the only sure means we have of bridging, or at least feeling as if we have bridged, the gulf of consciousness that separates each of us from everybody else."
-Michael Chabon, Maps and Legends

"You see what I'm saying? You need to find your reason for living. You've gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit."
-Nick, Freaks and Geeks

"When did crappy shirts with stupid stuff on them become cool?" -Keith, Veronica Mars

"I don't know what's wrong with me, but I wish that it was something else..." -Jenny Owen Youngs, Drinking Song

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." -- GK Chesterton

Wembley Fraggle: "It didn't seem like I was a slave. I guess some slavery feels like freedom. I didn't notice what they were doing to me, until... well, until they tried to do it to you."
Tired Jocelyn: "That's hegemony, right there."

"The whole world is about three drinks behind." -Humphrey Bogart

"And guess who gets to be the bad guy who has to say, 'No you can't have peanut butter for the cute blonde and her poor island baby.' You know who? It's me!" -Hurley, Lost

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
"He tastes like you, only sweeter"
-Fall Out Boy

"I like fake crab better than real crab... I like the texture." -Me, seconds before I realized what a rube I am